How to handle another BFN

You’re sitting on the floor in the bathroom, waiting for the timer on your phone to tell you it is ready. You take a deep breath. This has to be the month. You and your partner love each other. This will be your month. Yes. 

And there it is again, hello darkness my old friend. A Big Fat Negative. 

  1. You did everything right this month. You did not drink any alcohol although you probably should have to calm your nerves.
  2. You did not consume any caffeine because doing all of that research you decided to ditch the coffee and the green tea.
  3. You took your supplements religiously and avoided medications such as Ibu Profen and just dealt with your migraines like the lioness that you are
  4. You checked your CM.
  5. You checked your temperature
  6. You tracked your ovulation, what you ate, what you didnt eat, and on and on.

Meanwhile everyone is getting pregnant left and right. People you went to high school with are announcing “whoops I guess we are parents now lol we weren’t even trying”. You write congratulations but secretly wish it was you who got to write that status update for all the world to see.

But there you are, locked inside the bathroom with this stick that laughs at you. Are you only half a woman because you still are not with child? Did the expensive and incredible painful laparoscopy for your newly diagnosed Endometriosis fail you? Did the doctor sloppily flush your tubes? Can you not have children? Is this where your DNA ends? Is there something wrong with the gallons and gallons of water you consume each month because you’re afraid to drink anything else because it might harm you? Is there something wrong with your husband? Why not this month? This month was a good month.

Sex becomes a scheduled chore instead of an intimate bond between you and your partner. Afterwards comes the dreaded two week wait. You timed everything now. At first it was just fun, fun that could lead to a new life. Now it is a task. A step to receiving another BFN. Each month you promise not to buy more pregnancy tests, you swear you wont look at the baby section of the store. Your hormones get worse and worse and you start having fake symptoms because just like your mind, your body wants this too. 

But how do you deal with that dreaded Big Fat Negative?

  1. Stay away from the baby section.

Yes you may have friends with babies or friends who are pregnant and want gifts. Never go alone in to the magical baby merchandise of the store if you absolutely have to be in that section. Stay away from baby sales, you do not need to collect more for your imaginary baby. It is easier said than done but the time to buy cute imaginary baby stuff is not now. Instead, go to the make up section, the book section, get something to eat instead.

      2. If you feel like you need to cry by all means cry.

It is impossible to keep all of these emotions bottled up. You start resenting yourself and your partner if you do not let the feelings come out. Am I the reason this is not happening? There must be something wrong with you! Do not do that. Go on a Forum that helps you with expressing what you are feeling. This month was month 10 of TTC (trying to conceive) and I strongly believed that this would be the month. It was not. I discovered the Glow app and their forum and found a lot of women who are experiencing exactly what I am going through and feel what I feel. It was such a relief to know I was not alone.
        3. Stop buying Pregnancy Tests.

For one they are expensive if you keep buying more and more each time you rush to the store. Yes you may feel that this is the month, but until Auntie Flow does not make her grand entrace, hold off on buying the sticks. Are you late? Buy a test. Are you dealing with morning sickness or did you just eat something bad? Check when your period is due or was due and if you missed it, get tested. If you do not have the Tests at home, you cannot get disappointed by testing to early or testing and not getting the answer you want.

   4. Think of yourself and not of your uterus. 

Go on a hot date with your partner, have that glass of wine or that cocktail that you have been avoiding like the plague. Get your nails done, buy some clothes that you can fit in now, have a relaxing day by binge watching your favorite show in bed. For me it is F•R•I•E•N•D•S• and marzipan chocolate while laying in bed and having my cats sleep next to me. Remember that there was a life that revolved around you and not your ovaries.  
Now, if you are truly worried about there being something physically wrong with your body or your partners body, get it checked out. Better safe than sorry. It is always recommended that if after a full year of trying you still are not with child, that you should get everything checked just incase. For some couples it takes no time to get pregnant for some it can take a while. As depressing as a BFN is, I am still with hope. I do not know how, but I am.

And you should be too.

As much as we hate hearing the words “it will happen when it is supposed to happen” or “just have fun and it will happen”, that is sadly all we can hold on to. You cannot force a miracle, unless you want to pay thousands of dollars to get hormonal treatments done or to get inseminated.

Trick your body in to thinking it is just an average day, and that you are making love for the sake of making love. Over time it gets easier. But the darkness creeps in too from time to time. Find a new passion you can sink your teeth in to and excell at it. Find a new love for something, a band,  a hobby, a new pet, a group that meets up and does activities together. 

You can do this, you can do anything. It will be your time.

Remember that. 


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